Tired.

I have said that i wouldn't posting.

But i need to vent out this thing here seriously.

Feel so stressed and pissed off this few day and i have been keeping it in my mind.

Sick & tired of everything now.

Seriously, i don't mind you guys nag at me abit like call me go study, but sometimes i will also study until no motivation...

then how am i supposed to study and digest those things?

i also need to have time to destress, you can't expect me to study all day long. 

and honestly speaking, you know i'm not the type that excelled in studies as no matter how hard i work, i will only get an average marks and being in this such a STRESSFUL competition (with triple science ppl & lots of them 's result in studies are really damn pro.) class, i don't think i will be able to make it to even a top 20.

Seriously, feel like giving up. 

I don't even know why am i studying for so much?

For the sake of the 1 + year later's O Level? 

For the sake of my parents?

or for the sake of myself?

Sometimes, i tell myself not to break down in front of others and i can do it.

But once i'm at home, i will think through all these things and really, i don't have any hope seeing my results now.

Many teachers (like mdm yeo) had say that our result will not be very good at the beginning of the sec 3 year, but i know my result for the whole year, will be super lousy then resulting in parent scolding and their disappointment.

Looks like i'm not ready to accept sec 3 hard life and i don't even have the strength to get ready anymore.

Hope totally crushed and i really feel scared for the soon (cos time pass so fast and next thing, i might not even promote to sec 4 or maybe can.) O level.

Maybe i think too much or what, but ...

I always say i want to work hard in various subjects but it seems like i can't do it always.

No matter how much effort i put in, i still cannot understand and sometimes i really feel so fed up.

Though sometimes i look happy or like nothing happened, but in the actual fact, i feel so tense up and try to cover it by my crazy actions or what.

It's not like i don't have the stress, but i just try to cover it as much as i can...

Feel like breaking down at some moment of lessons but i just feel so tired without enough sleep time everyday and sleep myself to hide the truth.

I know i'm like being... 

i have no difficulties in life (like need to work part-time for family or what) but studies enough can make me so depressed.

and with recent things happening, i seriously don't know what to do.

I know you guys are sometimes sick and tired of some people's attitude or really like don't like it.

But, do you know that seniors us are actually alrdy so tired about all these arguments ( i would like to say it's lame but i can't say it since some people's view are different.) and with those attitude some of your showed, it's so .... 

I really don't know what to say anymore since i know even if i say/scold all these things, you guys still wouldn't listen.

Maybe it's our fault as we also set a bad role model for you guys. 

but, during sectional, we will still be serious at times when we're playing or being tested.

The times when i was in sec 1 was even hardcore than now, which now i don't know why we are seated during sectional? (usually, we're supposed to stand up during sectional since from our time, we are always standing up when sectional.)

Sometimes, is it really the seniors and our fault that juniors are being disrespectful to us?  

Maybe we seniors should really start to improve ourselves to show a better role model to the juniors and how should a junior treat seniors.

though we often like playing with the seniors (looks like we're not respecting them like that..)

SIGH, seriously, i hope everything will be fine.

Work hard for SYF and be more bonded, we're ONE BAND!

I seriously, have nothing to say anymore.

If you guys still don't wake up from this, i really don't know what to do.

Sigh.....